At what point in our past did a man’s role go from stoic provider to bloated toddler? I came across this guide for “Easy Guy Meals” that promised the reader good food in 5 minutes flat. As we’re all pressed for time, I can understand why someone would want to have some dishes that are quick to prepare. What I was shocked by were the choices: tuna melt, bagel sandwich, Egg Surprise, BBQ Spam, Pizza Crackers–these last two are the real gems–the grilled cheese and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Fine, I understand that cooking is not a skill that many men are taught when they’re growing up, but this is absurd. Set aside the thought that most of these meals I’m sure they intend for you to eat standing in your kitchen like a goddamn savage, think of the nutrition you’d be getting. Note that fully four of these recipes–I hesitate to use the word–call for cheese and two call for butter, yet the closest thing to a fruit or vegetable to be found is the relish on the tuna melt. Any man that made a habit of eating these meals would turn into a greasy butterbeast before your very eyes.
Those gripes, however, are purely functional. There exists a whole other level on which this post disgusts me, and that’s the way it suggests that men behave like children. Grilled cheese and PB&J sandwiches are the sorts of things a child would want in his brown-bag school lunch. I think we once made pizza crackers when I was in day camp. And thank goodness they saved the Egg Surprise–a half-assed omelet–from nearly being a respectable meal: they suggest the reader pair it with a tall glass of chocolate milk.
These aren’t meals; they’re nutritional supplements for the developmentally arrested. This article is for the sort of man-child that saw the advent of the KFC Famous Bowl and thought to himself that it’s about damn time. The worst part is that there are certainly many people out in the world reading these meal suggestions and thinking they’re perfectly fine. I’m going to go purge now.