On running, or How I became jealous of a fat girl

December 14, 2009 – 2:17 pm

I don’t want to turn my website into a stream of things I hate (as has become of my Twitter) but I detest running. I take care of myself by eating well and exercising regularly to keep trim, but running has never been a skill of mine. Whether my legs are too short or I just don’t have the focus, the end result is that I a 10-minute mile, after which I have no desire to do any more. And the results are no better: I’ll be tired and sweaty, and doubtless my legs and back will hurt all the next day.

There is just one thing that can inspire me to run, and that apparently is shame. Back in the spring, an ex of mine resolved to start running in order to lose weight. As she was at that point about 80 pounds overweight–partially my fault, as I cooked for her often when we dated–I had my doubts as to whether that would actually happen. Fast forward several months and I learn that she’s not only been running, but has been doing 9 mile runs regularly! I was furious at being shown up by someone so much heavier than me, never mind the fact that I can do 50 miles on my bike with ease. It was with this imagined slight in mind that I went to the gym last night.

Setting down my bag, I stepped onto the treadmill platform and started it running. I began at a trot, sped to a canter and then a full gallop! It was easier than I remembered, and I was sure I was doing well. In the end, I did a 10-minute mile, after which I had no desire to do any more. And the results were no better: I was tired and sweaty, and my legs and back have been hurting me all day today. I’m not sure why I was surprised about any of this.

Despite the awfulness of running, I plan to keep on working at it until I can show up my ex.  Sure it’s a petty goal, but it may not take that long for me to beat her. You see, she does her running out on the street, and with the coming of winter and the early sunsets she’s been going out less and less, if at all. I will view it as a surrender if she just gets fat again. I hope it happens fast.

“Victory, thy name is buttercream.”

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Man-children in the kitchen

December 11, 2009 – 10:21 am

At what point in our past did a man’s role go from stoic provider to bloated toddler? I came across this guide for “Easy Guy Meals” that promised the reader good food in 5 minutes flat. As we’re all pressed for time, I can understand why someone would want to have some dishes that are quick to prepare. What I was shocked by were the choices: tuna melt, bagel sandwich, Egg Surprise, BBQ Spam, Pizza Crackers–these last two are the real gems–the grilled cheese and the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Fine, I understand that cooking is not a skill that many men are taught when they’re growing up, but this is absurd. Set aside the thought that most of these meals I’m sure they intend for you to eat standing in your kitchen like a goddamn savage, think of the nutrition you’d be getting. Note that fully four of these recipes–I hesitate to use the word–call for cheese and two call for butter, yet the closest thing to a fruit or vegetable to be found is the relish on the tuna melt. Any man that made a habit of eating these meals would turn into a greasy butterbeast before your very eyes.

Those gripes, however, are purely functional. There exists a whole other level on which this post disgusts me, and that’s the way it suggests that men behave like children. Grilled cheese and PB&J sandwiches are the sorts of things a child would want in his brown-bag school lunch. I think we once made pizza crackers when I was in day camp. And thank goodness they saved the Egg Surprise–a half-assed omelet–from nearly being a respectable meal: they suggest the reader pair it with a tall glass of chocolate milk.

These aren’t meals; they’re nutritional supplements for the developmentally arrested. This article is for the sort of man-child that saw the advent of the KFC Famous Bowl and thought to himself that it’s about damn time. The worst part is that there are certainly many people out in the world reading these meal suggestions and thinking they’re perfectly fine. I’m going to go purge now.

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Sleep FAIL?

October 23, 2009 – 9:12 am

I’ve run into a problem. It’s not a new one, but it’s been happening with greater frequency as I get deeper into this experiment: I’m sleeping through my alarms. To make sure that I don’t overrun the 3-hour mark on my core nap, I set the phone’s alarm, and at the beginning, all was well. So well, that I’d regularly wake up a minute before the alarm sounded, and that in fact was what made it clear in the first place that this project was feasible. Now though, it’s a crap-shoot whether I’ll get up or sleep straight through till morning.

What’s most alarming (ugh) about this is that I can’t get a more obnoxious sound to wake myself. If you’re unfamiliar with the iPhone “Alarm” tone, it’s based off a submarine klaxon, really quite awful to hear. Nor can I just make it louder, as my girlfriend would hit me in the face if I woke her at the hours I wake myself, and I like being pretty.

My first thought is to try sleeping with headphones, but I don’t know if I’d be able to keep them in/on while I sleep. Beyond that I’m stumped.

I got my first link the other day from another blog, so it would appear that someone is reading this. At the very least they are aware it exists, and so I ask you, hypothetical reader, for suggestions. How shall I wake myself after just 3 hours without also waking my partner? Ideally, I’d also like to avoid spending money, but I understand that that’s sometimes unavoidable. Hit me up in the comments.

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Days 2 & 3

September 25, 2009 – 1:22 pm

These last couple days have been rough. Even though I get my naps in, when I wake up at 3 I have only the energy maybe  to lay on the carpet and keep my eyes open. When morning rolls around, though, and I get that nap at 7, I wake up fresh as a daisy, so the issue must be something to do with my circadian rhythm. Three in the morning is a time when I’m usually asleep, and my body has not yet adjusted to operating outside that parameter.

There hasn’t been much else to report, except for some irritability on my part. I was very short with my girlfriend the other day, which is unlike me.

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Day 1, cont.

September 23, 2009 – 2:28 pm

Catching the midday nap continues to present a problem. I did manage to sleep for about 15 minutes, but I awoke on my own before the alarm even went off. At lunch, I forgot my caffeine pledge and drank a big glass of iced tea. Whoops! Better luck next time.

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Polyphasic sleep journal–day 1

September 23, 2009 – 9:41 am

The new sleep schedule is in effect. I turned in at midnight (the girlfriend got home late and convinced me to stay up) and I managed to wake up without an alarm at 2:50.

Admittedly, I was exhausted, and my dreams of using this new free time to write and hit the gym have not yet borne fruit. Instead I spent several hours on the couch listening to podcasts, followed by a quick breakfast of yogurt and blueberries. I didn’t forget to get my twenty minutes in at 7 AM, but the office called halfway through and woke me, the bastards.

I’m happy to report that the lack of sleep did not prevent me from riding to work, but sprinting did become a challenge and I experienced a bit of leg soreness toward the end. Hopefully my poor performance is more to do with my having skipped morning coffee than it is an early sign of sleep deprivation.

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Biblical pants humor

September 22, 2009 – 1:43 pm

“I used to wear stretchy jeans,” she said, “but when you try to stitch the rips in them the holes just get bigger and bigger.”

“That’s what you get for building a house on shifting pants,” I replied.

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Polyphasic sleep

September 22, 2009 – 1:28 pm

For several years I’ve been interested in the idea of polyphasic sleep, which breaks up one’s daily sleeping time into several shorter nap-chunks. This provides results similar to those of a normal “monophase” sleep schedule, but in two to four hours instead of eight.  The most obvious benefit of polyphasic sleep is having more time in the day–measured over a lifetime, the difference would be calculated in years–but on a psychological level, it’s just downright sexy to overcome a natural weakness purely by strength of will.

What’s precluded me from doing this in the past has been, ironically, a lack of time. According to all the sources I’ve read, the first 2 weeks (up to a month with the more “hardcore” plans) are a miserable and unproductive time for anyone switching to polyphasic sleep. Until the body changes the way it sleeps, the subject spends less time in deep REM sleep and as a result suffers the effects of sleep deprivation: memory loss, irritability, headaches and hand tremors, among others. I just have not had a long span of time over which I could afford to be a zombie.

That hasn’t changed–my schedule remains the same as it ever was–but my priorities have recently switched, making the prize of more waking hours much more appealing. However, because I can’t sacrifice too much lucidity during the transition, I’m going to start with one of the less radical plans, the Everyman. This consists of one “core” nap of no more than 3 hours, supplemented by 3 or more 20-minute naps spaced throughout the day.

There is really only plan more intense, called the Uberman, which consists of six 20-minute naps taken at regular intervals throughout the day. Good ole Bucky Fuller followed a similar regimen way back in the ’20s, taking a 30-minute nap every 6 hours (Dymaxion sleep). The transition sounds just too rough for me, though, and so I will hold off on that for a future experiment. For comparison, I’ve stolen some graphs from Wikipedia.

everyman
dymaxion
uberman

My schedule will be as follows:

  • one core nap from 11 PM-2 AM
  • three catnaps at 7 AM, 1 PM and 6 PM

In addition, I’ll have to avoid caffeine and alcohol as best I can, as these could wake me or tire me at inopportune times. Fortunately I do not smoke and follow a strict and healthful diet, or else I might have been crushed under the weight of sudden abstinence.

My primary concern as I go into this is that the change in my sleep habits will affect my ability to be physically active in my waking life. I ride my bike at least 120 miles and do two sessions of weightlifting at the gym each week, and I would hate if I suddenly had no energy or if I took ages to recover because of this experiment. No source I’ve read has even mentioned the effects vigorous exercise would have on a polyphasic sleeper, and so I am filled with a bit of trepidation. Considering that with four extra hours in the day I’ll likely be exercising even more, this is sure to be tested.

I will take my first core nap tonight. I’ve already tried to get a jump on things by taking the afternoon supplemental nap, but I couldn’t fall asleep. Hopefully that will be easier as it becomes routine.

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